💀 Dragging the corpse of my childhood crush around 💀
For all my life, I always judge how others care about me based on two criteria.
🖤 1) Asking me questions
🖤 2) Talking about the things I talked about
😶 So when my previous crush didn’t ask me questions nor talk about the things I talked about, I got visibly upset and fell asleep with anger. If it was not for the mosquitoes biting my arms, I would have slept through the night, possibly dreaming about strangling him to get rid of this feeling 💀🔥
Well, but as Sanford Robbins‘s pupil in the Landmark What’s So course, I knew that this whole thing stemmed from my incompletion with something. I have to do something about it. Flipping through my notes and doing an incompletion exercise at 3am, I have a revelation.
✴️I discovered that the two criteria were there to protect myself from an imagined threat: fear of being embarrassed and ridiculed as an easy, stupid woman. “If I cannot judge someone quickly enough, I would become an easy, stupid woman.” I created the criteria to avoid facing this fear.
✴️Completion endangers who I think I am. In this story, I am a sacrificial lamb to my childhood crush’s wicked taunting and demeaning name-calling. He is the foul creature, who played & trampled my heart.
✴️There’s also a sweet pay-off to having this incompletion. I have a ✨perfect reason✨ to explain why my life and house are disorganized and why I haven’t finish my paper. 💔”Because I got my heart ripped out, I need time to figure things out, not to do all these things yet.”
✴️Plus, it’s a perfect way-out for me not to be responsible for how I talk, treat or react to anyone, my crush included. I don’t have to be emphatic or understand them.
✴️All in all, I dragged the corpse of my childhood crush for almost 10 years to avoid being responsible for how I treat other people.
☁️ RIP: Putting him down to rest ☁️
💛In completing it, I accept that the situation that what happened between my childhood crush and I was it was as it was. There’s nothing to change or fix, including how I reacted afterward.
💛From now on, I’m living with responsibility for the presence of empathy. I am the cause in the matter for there being empathy, starting from my side. This encompasses my family and friends. There’s no strangling anyone anymore 😆
💛I also live to understand where others are, right in their shoes and not jumping away to protect myself from an imagined fear of ridicule.
📊 With all this completed, I’m going to start working on my paper now. 😂It’s the empathy I give to my teammates.