How to pick yourself up

This post is a how-you-can-pick-yourself-up post. I want to share the methods I’ve been trying in order to save myself from sinking into a bottomless pit of depression and anxiety. Some of them I have stopped halfway, some are what I just started, some are things I want to try. Maybe it might sparks a flicker of hope in you.

Before I go on, I want to thank Youyou, who wrote on her instagram how my blog resonated with her. Hearing that my words can be something of use gives me a meaning to continue my journey here.

Prelude“You’ll never change.” | “You have always been this way.”
“Because you are born in the Year of the Pig, it’s no surprise you are dirty and lazy.”

It’s been almost 7 months since I last posted here. This site was almost taken down because I forgot to renew the subscription. I felt that I had done nothing worthwhile and I was embarrassed at myself. My depressive state even ran campaigns in my 2017 blog posts: being a stranger on earth, what if I’m a real failure, experiencing an existential crisis, feeling lost at home. My coming-back-home was not cherry at all. My tough mom, one of the world’s toughest moms, even cried because I kept saying I want to move out of Thailand and adamantly refused to go to grad school. My house turned into a rat hole from the mess that I created. That immensely aggravated my little sister, who would shoot daggers and give me nasty side eye look every time she comes home.

As I reflected, a lot of the depressive state came internally and from the social comparison. I did not keep scores of what I’ve done well. Instead, I only ruminated on the thing that I’m lacking, especially when comparing to other Harvard graduates. I often feel like I’m not living up to the degrees I received and making a 100% full use of it. As a result, I turned to the pleasure feeder of the Internet and lost time, unable to turn it off. That turned the vicious cycle of pain-avoidance and pleasure-seeking.

Interlude

Even though I have not yet improve Thailand’s education in a substantial way, start a non-profit, make an academic breakthrough, earn a lot more money, make a deep positive social impact, etc. and other “socially-defined-amazing” things, here is my progress of self-betterment.