existential crisis

how do you see me.

we are history rewinding itself

for all the help, the achievements we did, we are actually killing nature.

then go live in the juggle. no. i don’t even feel like living.

what’s the purpose.

go travel. already done. not the answer

go clean your house. already done. not the answer

do you want to omit yourself from life. no

do you want to want to give your life to someone else. yes, if they can have better use.

are you afraid that you will go to hell. yes

are you sick of fearing that everything you do will make you go to hell. yes

are you sick, physically. no

are you sick, mentally. possibly

do you want money. no

do you want fame. no

do you want achievement. no

do you want success. no

do you want attention. no

do you want to make lives better for other people. no, i can’t even make my life better.

do you want love.

do you want to continue to please others. no

do you want acceptance.

i think you are going through an existential crisis.

I’m feeling like I’m living in an irony. My work says that I’m helping education. I’m training “teachers to become better teachers”. Whatever I’m doing now will benefit them. But, I don’t think so. I don’t even get to understand the teachers or students. I stand on the ivory tower and build on someone’s else dream and values. I can’t see how am I really helping the teachers and students from their perspective. What does help even mean? In my day, I’m amassing so much trash. The plastic bags. I’m astonished and petrified of how much trash I make. Why does that matter? I saw a mountain of trash in my hometown, Hatyai, and the air was putrid. I can’t breathe in fully in Bangkok. It was obvious when I go out to the country side in Surat Thani or Doi Tung, Chiang Rai. The car exhausts from the traffic here. The machines grinding new buildings and highways. After I came back from Doi Tung where the air is purer and fresher and where my body and heart is closer to nature, I feel healed. Majority of teachers there are able to care for the kids. Not that the teachers in the city don’t care for their kids, but the environment is not conducive for learning and teaching. Horrible environment – traffic congested, air pollution, safety issues – and I’m slowly seeing myself fighting for only myself. I try to convince myself that I’m doing a compulsory community service for my nation – like how men in Singapore served their country for two years. But, every moment where I’m not trying to silent my thoughts, I keep asking myself why? a lot of why. Socially selfish why and internally struggling why. I also keep having socially selfish thoughts like if I didn’t get to Harvard or get degrees from america, maybe people won’t have high expectations of me to help the society. Maybe if I start to do something radical, they would not bother with me. But then, as a woman, it is not safe to do radical stuff that I imagined. In this post, I’m not asking for sympathy. Not asking for solutions. Not asking for help. Not asking for reactions. Not asking for anything. Maybe it’s a cry to let me go. Cry for me to let go as well. Just want to put it up online. Wondering if Chester feels similar as I did.